I think it is coincidental that such an assignment should come up at this time. Because it was only one month back I had an issue with my principal. I have been working for the past 9 – 10 years and never have I had any disagreement with anyone. Maybe the reason for this is because I never used to communicate my hurt. Since culture and conflict are linked, I guess it is my cultural values and beliefs to have a cordial relation with everyone that makes me avoid conflicts.
However, this time I could not keep quiet. I am therefore partly responsible for the conflict that arose. Let me explain the scenario. What happened was my assistant helper for this academic year is a young woman from my state in India. She has only high school education and is not very fluent in English. She can communicate in English, but with me being from the same state she would rather communicate in our native language instead of struggling in English. Now in our center, we have Filipino helpers who speak among themselves their language, Sri Lankan helpers who speak their language and Arabic and French teachers who speak their respective language among them. My principal is a Lebanese. And therefore she speaks French and Arabic to respective teachers. It so happened last month, she overheard my helper come to me and speak to me in our language. Immediately, my Principal came up to me and said “no speaking in Indian”. I was suddenly hurt. I felt my identity was being insulted. It just didn’t seem fair when this rule didn’t apply to the rest of the center that it should apply to us. Why, because we are Indians? I was provoked, that it brought out strong emotions in me which made me comment “then no speaking in Arabic and French here.” I cannot still believe that I said that. Maybe it was my newfound knowledge about culture and identity and how important each one’s identity is or maybe having been a witness for some time to how my helper is treated unfairly when compared with the other helpers that triggered me. I don’t know. Anyway, I said it and my principal was taken aback. She did not expect such a comment from me. Nothing was further said about it. There was no argument. But she stopped talking to me. Unproductive conflicts can have negative impact on the relationship (O'Hair, & Wiemann, 2012, p.220). This is what happened in our case. We have had a good relation until then. But after this one incident, there was a gap between us.
Being an escapist, I tried to avoid clarifying things until last week when she brought up the matter with me. I tried to justify how my feelings were hurt. However, since power dynamics play a role, she pulled her rank by saying “no matter what you feel or what you think, you have no right to say to me the way you did, because I’m the principal”. This time I did not speak up. I decided to allocate power (O'Hair, & Wiemann, 2012, p.244) to her in order to resolve the conflict.
Though things are getting better between us, such a conflict could have been avoided had I used the nonviolent or 3R approach. I should have been honest about my feelings, express openly how hurt I felt instead of coming up with a statement that caused such a conflict. ‘Differences of opinion and clashing goals are inevitable in any relationship.’ (O'Hair, & Wiemann, 2012, p. 223). It is how we approach and resolve these kinds of situations that matters.
O'Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2012). Real communication: An introduction. New York: Bedford/St. Martin's.
Deepa,
ReplyDeleteI hope that your principle is open enough to discuss how you must have felt when you were told that you could not speak your language especially when it was alright for other's to speak their home language. Though I can see how being blunt is nonroductive in a conflict, your choice of words may have opened his/her eyes to the way you felt.
Thank you for sharing,
Luci
Deepa,
ReplyDeleteI, too, am an escapist and the conflict I described in my blog was the first I had of that magnitude. In my case, as you stated in yours, issues had been building and finally we let our emotions take over. O'Hair & Wiemann would say our escapist strategies were unproductive because they kept us from dealing with issues that needed to be dealt with and we both reached our tipping points (2012). I would like to get better at identifying and expressing my needs, as you said to be honest about my feelings. Maybe with time, she will be willing to admit to herself and then others that you had a very valid point.
O'Hair, D. & Wiemann, M.(2012). Real communication: An introduction. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin's.
I can honestly say I would have let my emotions take over as well. I am very puzzled as to why she would single you all out and not want you all to communicate to each other in your native language. I don't nessasarily feel if you had expressed things differently she would have reacted differently. I do however understand wanting to keep down confrontation and conflict.
ReplyDeleteDeepa,
ReplyDeleteWhat a difficult situation as we have learned culture plays such an important role within the early childhood field. You responded out of raw emotion and while that may have been different if you had used nonviolent communication or the 3R's sometimes that just isn't possible in such a moment. Being able to self-reflect about how to handle it differently may help you choose a different path next time. I hope things resolve quickly. Thanks for sharing!
GOOD JOB FOR STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF THE FIRST TIME. yOU SHOULD HAVE EXPRESSED YOUR FEELINGS DURING THE SECOND CONVO YOU ALL SHARED. iTS NOT GOOD TO KEEP EMOTIONS BALLED UP. YOU SHOULD TRY TO SPEAK WITH YOUR PRINCIPAL TO LT HER KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH HER DECISION.
ReplyDelete